kevin.

For some reason, the staff at Blender Magazine seem to have self-applied the "kings of all music lists" title without clearing it with me. They post lists with alarming frequency, and, in this discontent blogger's opinion, they capitalize on society's obsession with listmaking to assert their "brilliance." I believe it's a quote from High Fidelity (great book, by the way) that encompasses most of Blender's lists: "a sly declaration of neoclassic status, slipped in with a list of old, safe ones." If someone asked them to name the most important classical composers in history, they'd top the list with Mozart and Phillip Glass. That's like putting two bookends on your shelf and forgetting about the books.

In honor of Blender's umpteenth declaration of musical fact, I'd like to present you with my top five least favorite Blender lists. These lists carry as much impact in my life as my neighbor's shopping list (actually, that's slightly inaccurate, as his shopping list would not cause me to post a blog about it). Anyway...

5. The Most Disastrous Albums of All Time

This is a tough one, because Blender does nail some of the legendary flubs of all time (Mariah Carey's Glitter and Garth Brooks' Chris Gaines album, to name but two), but I feel like they tried a bit too hard to sound cultured with inclusions of The Happy Mondays' Yes Please!, which was a terrible album, but I'd challenge you to find someone outside of the UK that really knows anything about them to begin with. Beyond the obvious and startling omission of Metallica's St. Anger and the need for a GNR Chinese Democracy mention, Blender failed to delve into the albums that were not only career-killers, but truly damaging to the entire musical landscape. How about Limp Bizkit's Three Dollar Bill Y'All$ revolutionizing probably the dumbest genre ever conceived?

4. The 500 Greatest Songs Since You Were Born

First of all, you're getting a bit presumptuous if you think I was born before 1980 (that's the cutoff date for this list), just because I enjoy traditional "old guy" drinks like gin and tonic and Tom Collins. Don't judge. Anyway, Blender casts out a 500-song net to pick up all the stragglers that people might be mad about, so I'm really just talking about the top 100 here. Outkast's "B.O.B." is the second best song of the last 27 years? Usher's "Yeah" is the 51st? This list is heavy on hip hop and R&B, and only starts to hit on any of the true alternative rock masterpiece tracks after Nirvana's already been mentioned four times. Fugazi's "Merchandise" doesn't make the top 100 despite them being the most important independent artist of our time? 50 Cent and Britney Spears make the top ten? Eminem and Outkast get multiple nods before any mention of The Pixies or Metallica or Green Day or Radiohead or New Order? The Replacements "Bastards Of Young" doesn't make it? This list looks like a digest of track listings from the Now That's What I Call Music series.

3. The 50 Worst Songs Ever

I realize this list was written before the world would find out just how disturbingly awful Cute Is What We Aim For are, but Blender claims that Jefferson Starship's "We Built This City" is the worst song of all-time. I can say with absolute metaphysical certitude that they're wrong. So, 'nuff said on that one.

2. The 50 Worst Things To Ever Happen To Music

Guyliner doesn't make the list at all, so this list really starts off on the wrong foot with me. Blender has a habit of trying to poke fun at so-called "bros" (who doesn't?) with descriptions such as "a beefy blond youth in a Von Dutch cap, spilling keg beer as he shifts weight from one Teva to another to a Bob Marley song," but then claims that "the only good lesbians in music are the fake ones like t.A.T.u." The statement "you really have to see them live" makes the top 15, which clearly means these guys only listen to overpolished major label crap all day and don't know the first thing about about seeing a punk rock show. While there are some decent mentions in here, including bearded goatees, Scott Stapp, tribute albums and hip-hop skits, this is a labored and unfunny list of brief cultural fads that badly misses the mark.

1. The 50 Worst Artists In Music History

This list is heartbreaking. Sure, Insane Clown Posse probably deserves to be #1, but how on earth can Danny Elfman's Oingo Boingo be considered by anyone to be the 16th worst band of all time? They're closer to the 16th best ("Dead Man's Party" and "Weird Science" probably make my top 50 personal favorites). Crazy Town doesn't make the list at all? Also, if they're going to poke fun at the absurdity of metal by including Manowar, it's downright criminal to leave out their emo counterparts From First To Last (though FFTL isn't likely to be remembered even three years from now). Like the other lists, this contains some good ones, like Color Me Badd, Jamiroquai and Yanni, and some ones that only really wound me personally, such as Whitesnake and Live, but Blender again forgets about the huge pile of genuinely awful bands polluting the airwaves as I write this. No Nickelback? Really?

Beware college guy t&a rags disguised as fanzines, people.

High-five to the marketing executive that actually gave this one the green light. Mikhail Gorbachev - one of the alumni of the good ol' communist Soviet Union - is now posing for the very capitalist company Louis Vuitton in their new fall campaign. I'm not so sure all the trust fund babies and trophy wives are going to identify terribly well with the Cold War veteran hawking overpriced luggage, but I am totally fascinated... so much so that I'd almost consider driving down to Tijuana and picking up a $5 knockoff.

Two questions remain unanswered:

Is Gorby sticking to his guns and giving all the proceeds to Mother Russia (especially considering all the past rumors of him trying to regain the Russian presidency for the Communist Party)? Oh wait, I forgot that real-world Communism allows those in government to get rich. I should get in on that.

Has Louis Vuitton identified a market segment comprised entirely of Che Guevara hat-wearing, Noam Chomsky-reading college-aged hipster males? Can they even afford what they're advertising?

I like it, but I don't entirely get it.

The reason I post lots of characterless links is because I've been fearlessly maintaining this page.

I'm well aware that I'm no 'org, but I'd venture to say that neither is your blog.

Emanuel debuts their new track "Phobos" / Alternative Press

The 100 Greatest cover songs of all time / Digital Dream Door

Scientific proof that metal really is Satanic (or something like that) / idolator

GNR's Appetite For Destruction turns 20, continues to outsell newer records / velvet rope

Not to be outdone, The Sex Pistols' Nevermind The Bollocks turns 30, slated for reissue / NME

No Knife's Ryan Feguson posts two new solo tracks / Ryan Ferguson

Hot New Blog Alert! For those interested in music and global health (simultaneously, of course) / Chain of Strength

Behind MTV.com's suspicious "disappearing editorial" / punknews

Tiger Army to headline Hot Topic Tour this fall / altpress.com

John Vanderslice goes on tour... on the internet? / Gorilla vs. Bear

Kanye West teams up with Zach Galifianakis / stereogum

Vedera signs with Epic Records / mammoth press

Abacus Recordings shuts down, bands rescued by Century Media / metal underground

Green Day unleashes their cover of the Simpsons' theme / punknews

Proving nothing is impossible, Britney Spears becomes even more disgusting / gawker

Everyone is D.A.N.C.I.N.G. (get it?????) on the Justice bandwagon / av club

Tegan and Sara release new video; new album The Con out today / Brooklyn Vegan

Vaux release first track from their final EP; farewell show in Denver next week / Vaux

Metallica's James Hetfield: "I'm Not A Terrorist." Duh... / idolator

Mastodon release, discuss new music video / stereogum

Minus The Bear's new album will include bonus EP (and be amazing) / punknews

The Cure is open to collaborating with Ashlee Simpson... seriously / pitchfork

The Wall Street Journal thinks we're all uncultured scumbags / WSJ Online

The fine not-so-youngsters at Mods Under Protest tipped me off today to a fantastic video that I'm sure will have a gazillion hits by noon today. While Michael Jackson is hiding out in Dubai or Fargo or wherever, the inmates of Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center in the Philippines are spending their free time showing Michael Jackson how "fun" prison can be.



My question is: how on earth do you get a bunch of inmates (according to the video's info, over 1500) to perform a choreographed routine? And how brave is that woman for jumping into the middle of 1500 male inmates?

Common and Lily Allen drive everyone wild / culturebully

NOFX plans to release another live record / punknews

2007: The Year of the B-Side? / blogs are for dogs

Capitol Records attempts to go green on a very, very small scale / HITS

New video from Silverstein captures illegal events on tape / AOL

Tired of writing such weird music, Korn plans to start playing the songs of others / Billboard

New music: Check out The Casual Lean

Notoriously shy Bad Brains give an interview / Spinner

Steve Jobs tops Blender's list of music's top 25 "power geeks" / vicariousmusic

Is this what the future of top 40 music holds for us? / the onion

You heard it on MTV first: the new Panic! At The Disco album will "probably suck" / punknews

Disney announces new CD format, no one impressed / yahoo!

Angels and Airwaves posts teaser for their upcoming album / angelsandairwaves

Hear Spoon's Britt Daniel's recent solo performance in San Francisco / six eyes

Shake out the cobwebs with this blog's Morning Music Mixtape / rewriteable content

Bright Eyes releases not one, but five new music videos / mokb

Dillinger Escape Plan throws a haymaker... / punknews
...Coheed and Cambria refuses to return fire / punknews

As I Lay Dying posts track listing, new song / blabbermouth

Today's shopping list: Yellowcard and MxPx

I was tipped off today by the news department over at pastepunk to a California CD/DVD manufacturer creating scratch and sniff discs (though, due to what I'd imagine would be trademark concerns, they're actually called "Rub N' Smell"). This reads and sounds like a bad SNL sketch (remember their "commercials" for the "I'm #1" hats?), but is absolutely and regrettably true. Some of the over 60 aromatic offerings include Bubble Gum, Cherry, Sea Mist, Pizza, Freshly Mowed Grass, Fresh Laundry and... Asphalt?

From the press release:

The scented varnish is transparent and remains dormant until the printed surface is rubbed and it actually lasts for years in printed form. The smell dissipates after a few seconds but can be re-activated by rubbing the surface again (similar to a “scratch n sniff” sticker)

Imagine receiving a CD or DVD Disc in your favorite magazine from a coffee company that once opened, the user can rub the disc and then enjoy the smell or scent of the product being marketed! You can actually create a CD or DVD for a florist that actually smells like flowers!

The possibilities for this new product are endless and are truly cost effective compared to other scented marketing pieces and magazine inserts. The Boston Herald, Media Post , New York Times’ and New York Post marketing research department discovered that when given a choice between two similar food or beverage products, 81% of consumers would choose the one they could smell and see over the one they could only see!

Apparently CDDVD's market research department has completely forgotten that CDs and DVDs don't exactly fall into the "food & beverage category," no matter how hard you squint when looking at a Rachel Ray DVD. I will say, though, I can't tell you how many late-night trips to Ralphs have yielded some bad checkout-aisle DVD purchases on my part. In fact, had A Knight's Tale smelled like any scene or prop from the movie, I can say with reasonable certainty that I'd still have that $6.99 in my bank account.

Fletcher from Pennywise launches a blog... about movies? / punknews

Apparently, everyone attending the Pitchfork Music Festival was really shy / idolator

Eighteen Visions frontman launches solo project / lambgoat

Who says CDs are a dying medium? / pastepunk

Snoop Dogg, tired of everyone getting their own reality shows, gets his own reality show / digitalspy

Billy Corgan's not fooling anyone / SF Gate

Ever wanted to hear a band that sounds like The Clash, Radiohead, Rage Against The Machine, The Pixies, the Foo Fighters and a salsa band all at once? / Village Voice

Less Than Jake tries to forget their last album [punknews]

Jamaica: birthplace of the mashup? [Wired]

We just can't seem to get rid of Courtney Love [Brooklyn Vegan]

In the wake of Live Earth, some videos from benefit concerts with a little more lasting impact [Q Daily]

J Vanderslice drops his new video [indieblogheaven]

For Saves the Day fans: check out First to Leave. Do it.

Move over Guitar Hero, Rock Band is here. [kotaku]

Jimmy Eat World announce new tour dates [Alternative Press]

Rilo Kiley shakes its collective moneymaker. [i rock i roll]

Henry Rollins discusses his recent trip to Iran. [Omaha World-Herald]

Madball drops two new jams. Turn it up.

Vagrant Ringside launches, for those that don't have enough Dashboard Confessional merch yet.

Morrissey reschedules US tour dates, forgets about New York [music snobbery]

Davey and Jade talk Blaqk Audio, AFI [punknews]

New Tegan & Sara tour dates selling out fast! [brooklyn vegan]

Check out an interview and four exclusive tracks from The National [daytrotter]

Arj Barker is hilarious

Apparently the English dictionary is lowering the bar for accepted modern lexicon. This year's inductees into the official english include "ginormous" and "crunk," both of which are currently being roundly rejected by my spellchecker. The dictionary included some slightly less off-center terms, including "Bollywood" and "DVR" in this year's edition, but according to NBC4 in Washington, DC, "ginormous" has just as much cause to ascend from the ranks of the local vernacular as any of the other inductees.

Merriam-Webster traces ginormous back to 1948, when it appeared in a British dictionary of military slang. And in the past several years, its use has become, well, ginormous.

You can go Merriam-Webster's site here to see the complete list of the English language's class of 2007.

If you needed any proof that business school has honed my skills, take a gander at my final MKT 543 (Market Demand and Sales Forecasting) project. We had to stare at massive excel spreadsheets with millions of data points, and in the end, the teacher wanted us to make our presentation "sizzle." My friend Brenton and I took it all too literally and drank all too much beer, and this was the result (the entire slide deck is 36 slides long, so these are only the highlights).













There's also an animation of an exploding sheep amongst the slides with our data, but I have to leave certain things up to your imagination so that I don't ruin business school for those that may consider it.

Yellowcard debuts video for "Light Up The Sky" [yahoo!]

Avril might be a repeat offender? [idolator]

100 days that changed music forever [Blender]

Stream the new MxPx record, Secret Weapon! [MySpace]

The new Against Me! is out today!

Washington, DC's Bomani "D'Mite" Armah is one of the most clever and brutally honest hip hop artists I've heard in a long time. Coming from a poetry background, D'Mite offers lyrics for "anyone trying to hustle legitimately," as he puts it. I'm not completely sure what he's getting at, but his socially conscious yet laugh-out-loud funny lyrics (particularly from his internet senstaion "Read A Book") have brought some hype this way, as he slowly seeps into rotation on BET and MTV2. Attacking the absurdity of where hip hop and pop culture have gone in recent years, D'Mite throws down tracks in a language anyone should be able to understand. I highly recommend checking out his music.

And yeah, "Read A Book" is fantastic.

Read A Book (NSFW - put your headphones on)

Metallica detained as a terrorist threat? [AOL]

All the Live Earth coverage you could need [MTV]

The Dropkick Murphys announce the details of their new album [punknews]

The Decemberists bring orchestral rock to the Hollywood Bowl (complete with video) [stereogum]

The following is a discussion of the new Against Me! record, The New Wave, out tomorrow, July 10, and produced by God's gift to platinum records, Butch Vig. Justin (known better as one of those assholes from punknews.org) has a beard, drinks PBR and loves AM!'s old catalog. Kevin (known better as Kevin) occasionally has a beard, also drinks PBR, and generally disagrees with everything Justin says.

Justin: IF SHE WANTS TO DANCE AND DRINK ALL NIGHT
Justin: THEN THERE'S NO ONE WHO CAN STOP HER
Justin: best song on the album.
Kevin: i've never liked against me other than on stage until this record
Justin: i should have called this one.
Justin: this is perfect pr.net material, by the way
Justin: me and you disagreeing about everything
Kevin: haha what's that? you think this is against me selling out and pandering?
Justin: i think its against me giving up and writing terrible songs
Kevin: you mean songs that people without beards might like
Justin: or songs that pander to the lowest common denominator and/or make no sense (the last two songs)
Kevin: i haven't made it that far
Kevin: so far i kind of love this record
Justin: you are gay.
Kevin: it took us a lot longer to reach that point than the last time we talked
Kevin: next i suppose you'll tell me the new bad religion is their best record
Justin: dude, bad religion has always bored me. i heard the single on the radio and thought "wow. more harmonies and big words."
Kevin: two of my favorite things, incidentally
Justin: yeah, well obviously.
Justin: and i like beards and handclaps
Kevin: those make my top 10
Justin: yet you didn't like against me?
Kevin: i like them live
Kevin: it's a little weird that one of their new songs sounds more like the new pornographers than anything else, but i don't really have a problem with that
Justin: the disco song?
Kevin: the FM waves one
Justin: yeah, that thing is just weird
Kevin: anyway, hilary duff is playing a gay bar in west hollywood on friday, and i think you should come down for it
Justin: if i didn't work on saturday it'd be tempting
Kevin: weak
Justin: my whole life is weak right now

Against Me! is performing on the Conan O'Brien show tomorrow night. Set your DVR.

The Onion's News Network offers a dazzling PSA on where to go if you find any lost items. Maybe they could find that thousand bucks I lost in Vegas last year.


U.S. Department of Lost and Found: Umbrellas and Sweaters

Ever wonder where Avril Lavigne got the idea from? (Although I'd be willing to bet Avril's video is 100 times better than the original.)

Oh, if you hadn't heard: Avril's getting sued. I'm sure there will be some shady back-room settlement leading to the plaintiffs getting to co-perform with her at the VMAs, never to be heard from again.

What's with a capella groups always assuming people want to hear their cheesy musical offerings no matter how awkward the scenario? I suppose it can make for some really amusing video content, as shown below. This reeks of a flash mob.

Who goes to central park with their sparring partner anyway?

I met Jared Leto by accident on Saturday. I only just now remembered that.

The New York Times today ran a story on a house currently listed at $135 million in Aspen, CO. It's the most expensive single-family house in the US (though I've heard tales of houses in Malibu that push that pricetag). The article really brings into focus how much this house puts any dream house you've concocted to shame.

At 56,000 square feet, Hala is bigger than the White House, with a staff of 12. It has 15 bedrooms, 16 baths, a private barbershop and beauty salon just off the master suite and enough space for a party of 450 people. Many of the rooms are huge, with banks of windows overlooking the Aspen valley and the mountains beyond. There are few proclamations of grandiosity beyond the occasional artwork, like the Albert Bierstadt painting that hangs over the main fireplace. (It does not come with the house.) Dark, gleaming wood beams, all with notched construction and not a single nailhead showing, pale plaster walls and television screens dominate the decor.

I'm cool with my 3-bedroom house in North Hollywood with a semi-functioning garbage disposal and easily-clogged shower drain, but if you're on the market, you might want to set your sights on Aspen.

This waste of space was at the Santa Barbara AT&T store spouting off about the damage cell phones do to our bodies and our society as the affluent youngsters of Santa Barbara stood in line for over 24 hours to blow their paychecks. This is especially fantastic because she's holding a cell phone for the entire rant (an older phone with "less pixels," as she puts it). This video has multiple parts (linked on the youtube page), and they're all WELL worth it.