kevin.

In light of October being informally (maybe it was formally, but I didn't see any paperwork) dubbed "Break Up Month" round these parts, I've elected to give readers a brief reminder on what to do if your ex (or anyone, really) just can't get enough of tormenting your life. As much as these suggestions maybe seem tongue-in-cheek, there's nothing terribly humorous about stalking, and therefore you ought to impeccably follow these directions that have been thoughtfully arranged to prevent you from taking matters any more drastically than they absolutely must be.

1) Look out your window. Is someone really stalking you? Let's not kid ourselves here; you might just be flattering yourself. If your answer to this question is "no," I suggest cutting emo and John Cusack movies out of your diet.

2) Kindly ask your stalker to leave you alone. Not that I have a long history of practice on either end of these situations, but, given the extremely introverted tendencies of many stalkers, simply acknowledging that you're onto them will probably at least move them onto a new target. You may even entice them to leave you alone by helping them select someone new to bother.

3) Call 911 and/or file a restraining order. 911 has a proven track record of success for most. Should this fail, go file a restraining order. Here's a reference for restraining order noobs.

4) The FBI. Clearly your stalker ain't messing around. Time to call the people that are generally cool with bending the law in your favor a bit. There's no need to mess around with hitmen or private eyes when the FBI are basically just the legal version of that. Maybe they'll even give you some juicy details like your stalker's credit card numbers or the key to his time share in Boca until the case is closed.

The FBI isn't always terribly sensitive to our needs, so this is where you start to get into options that involve major life changes.

It should be pointed out, at this point, that anyone who suggests the CIA has not read up on their limitations within the United States. Unless you're an American being stalked overseas, the CIA serves little purpose in your rolodex.

5) Jack Bauer. Pros: solves crimes with unmatched efficiency and thoroughness, puts the lives of those he protects ahead of his own, somehow usually manages to squeeze hundreds of bullets out of his guns without ever having to reload. Cons: Has a tendency to overdo things and may end up accidentally killing one of your pets. Also, he's fictional.

6) Move. Jack Bauer has never failed to solve a crime within 24 hours, so it's not likely to come up, but should your stalker be his kryptonite, you've got real problems. Skipping town isn't likely to deter him, since he can just, like, follow you, so you're going to want to go somewhere especially undesiriable for the duration of your stalker's obsession. I suggest somewhere like Siberia, Mongolia, Central Australia or Cleveland.